ALONE

I am sitting here tonight, all alone. Chris is out of town and Waylon is in heaven. The dogs are here with me, thank goodness, but they seem to be consumed by playing biter dog with each other, paying no attention to me what-so-ever. At least they provide sound. I hate the deafening scilence that is almost always a result of being ALONE. This is the first time that Chris has gone out of town since we lost Waylon. I am scared, sad and anxious all at the same time. I usually have to take something to help me sleep when he is gone during "normal" circumstances, and I am hardly in that type of place in life right now. "Normal" has never quite been the case for my life, but then again, what is normal? Who is normal? You got me, I have no idea.

I have had such an unproductive day today....after I dropped Chris off at the airport I came home and thought I would try and get some sleep. That didn't happen. So I decided to watch a movie, well that turned into watching two movies and then while flipping through the channels I saw this show that I used to watch almost every day during the later months of my pregnancy called "A Baby Story" on TLC. For some reason I chose to stop on that show, why, who the heck knows. I instantly started to cry. Waylon has been all I can think of since then. Not that that is much different from every other day, but today was just extra emotional. I sat in his room for a while, looked at all of his pictures, and began to write some more poetry. I didn't get a whole lot accomplished on the poetry, but I have a good start to a few different ideas. Needless to say, today was a complete and total wash. I stayed in my PJ's and only went outside once to get the mail and a few times to let the dogs out.

I hate knowing that Chris won't be coming home tonight, I have been anticipating this first night for almost 3 months now. Why do I have to be so tormented by it? I guess it's just even more of a realization that Waylon is gone when I'm the only one here. Before, when Chris would go out of town....I always felt a little bit of comfort knowing that I wasn't really alone, I had my baby there with me, alive and kicking. Now, I feel so empty. So ALONE. I know this is kind of a dreary post, but it has been a dreary day. I have another poem to share, the title.....ALONE. I wrote it on 8-1-10, but it seems to fit tonight's post so here goes.

ALONE

Here I sit alone again,
Thinking of what might have been.
If you had stayed with us upon this earth,
To walk through life, letting us go first.
It wasn't supposed to be this way,
Now I'm left to believe and pray,
That you are safe in heaven, upon a cloud,
Watching over us....son I hope you're proud.

I miss you every single day,
I can't help but stop and cry and say....
I love you son, you're my baby boy,
My everything, my pride and joy.
I wish I could have seen your smile,
Or held your hand for just a while.

It makes me sad to think of these things,
So I sit alone and for me that brings,
A tear of anger, of sadness and pain.
Even though I know I have nothing to gain.
I've learned that it's ok to cry,
To feel disabled and not know why.

I see signs of you all over the place,
And for me that brings hope and a smile to my face.
I know you are there and can feel my love,
Even from way up high, clear up above.
If love could build mountains, I'd build one so tall,
That you could come down from heaven and visit us all.
My son I know you are where you belong,
Even though I don't get it, I'll try and be strong.

So although here I'll sit alone again,
And think about what might have been.
If you were here, what would you say?
I love you mom and I'm ok.

- Jen Stagge
"In memory of my son, Waylon Bruce Stagge 6-21-10"

I hope you all like it. I ran it by the dogs before I wrote it on this post and they seemed to approve, so enjoy. I love all of you that read my blog, you make me smile even at the saddest of times.

Here's to hopefully a peaceful, sleep filled night. XOXO

WAYLON'S STAR

This last week I met one of the kindest sweetest people I have ever known, and she gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received. A star. Not just any star, but one that is now named after my son. Every night since Waylon left us I have looked up at the stary sky and thought of him looking down on us. I haven't yet found his star in the sky, but I intend to locate it soon. I was thinking I would go up to the university and see if someone there will help me locate it.

Babette and Dan, thank you so much!! This gift means more to me than I can ever express. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family, so willing to help and try so hard to make me feel better. Just seeing Waylon's name written in the stars, so to speak, makes me just melt. I wrote a poem shortly after we set Waylon's spirit free and I think it goes perfectly with this post. Here it is......

UPON A STAR

Tonight I wish upon a star,

That you were near and not so far.

Then before I knew,

My wish came true.

Your spirit stayed with me all night,

You calmed my fears and held me tight.

In my dreams I saw your face,

You were running and jumping all over the place.

I spoke to you just like everyday,

I awaited your reply, what would you say?

Then came a simple dose of reality,

When I knew you couldn't speak back to me.

Although a dream, it was all so true,

I'd never see these days with you.

I awoke with a sense of pain and joy,

I felt ever so lucky to have seen my little boy.

If even for a minute and only in a dream,

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Your spirit saw the pain in my eyes,

You felt my love and heard my cries.

Then when you finally had to leave my side,

Always in my heart you'll still reside.

I know you'll be back to see me soon,

Until then, I'll stare up at the moon.

The stars will shine bright in the dark night sky,

As I try and just breathe.....enough to get by.

I'll think of you when I see them shine,

My baby, my boy, sweet son of mine.

- Jen Stagge

"In memory of my son, Waylon Bruce Stagge 6-21-10"

I have many more that I have written here and there over the past couple of months. Don'tworry, I will post them soon.

Babette and Dan, please know that I appreciate your love and generosity so much. I will always cherish this gift and please know that we love you both very much. XOXO