REFLECTIONS

Over the past 6 or so months I have been holding back on writing, for various reasons. It hasn't been that I don't want to talk about things or write what I'm feeling, it's just been a time in my grieving process that I needed to "check out", so to speak. A time when I needed to just stare at the wall, or the TV or whatever didn't take much effort to do. After Waylon left this earth, in the months soon after I found myself using writing as an outlet, which was very comforting. Then in about September I lost all focus and began to retreat. I began to turn inward and stay away from everyone and everything. I think at the time I thought that if I was still grieving and unable to put a "real" smile on my face that I should just keep to myself, in order to spare everyone from having to be drug down with me. No one wants to be the "Debbie Downer" of any group. I read a lot about grief over this period of several months and determined that what I was going through was not only very normal, it was something that would eventually pass. During this time I felt so numb, so detached from everything, so depressed. I never got ready for the day, I just found it easier to stay in pajamas. I struggled to get through my everyday chores and be a productive person. I was anything but that. In November we found out that we were expecting another baby, and after my initial delight and happiness the worry and anxiety began to take over my every thought. I was very sick for the entire first trimester, which in turn just added to my misery and depression. I felt an array of emotions and questions run through me. I am still grieving the loss of Waylon, yet I have a new little life growing and depending on me for everything. Who was this new little person going to be? Would we make it far enough to know? Why won't my mind let me feel excited? Is it because this life will end too? Will people think that we are replacing Waylon? How will I ever go on if we were to lose this baby too? Are people getting tired of our grief? How will I make it through 40 more weeks of fearing the worst? Will people continue to remember Waylon? All of these things are a mere few of the racing thoughts that have taken over my mind. Some of them have been answered the more time has passed. I finally broke through the barrier that was holding me prisoner the day I felt our new baby move. It was such a bittersweet moment, that reminded me of the life that I had no longer feel move just months before and the new life growing inside that I was so grateful for. I was 16 weeks when I felt just a slight flutter while sitting by the fireplace on a cold night. I had anticipated that moment for a long time. I worried that it may bring even more anxiety because I knew that there would be no pattern to movement yet and it would be so sparatic that I would worry in between that something could be wrong. My anticipation of this milestone was right to some degree, I still worry, I still have anxiety when I haven't felt movement for a while.....but the pure joy of knowing that my baby was moving and ok at that very second was, for me, life changing. It seemed to pull me out of whatever dark hole I was living in. I began to see a small light at the end of a tunnel, I began to allow myself to start to feel excited for this little person to come into our lives. Over the past 6-7 weeks I have felt myself SLOWLY getting back to wanting to get out of bed in the morning, wanting to get dressed for the day, wanting to cook and clean and go out amongst the world again. It was as if I finally allowed a true sense of hope to embrace me. Then when we found out we were expecting a little girl, I felt happy, I felt a reason to trust that everything was going to be ok. Now, don't get me wrong....I am still a basket case, but I am finally at a place in my grief to allow God to do his work and trust that He knows what is best for us. I learned after losing Waylon that I DON'T have control over some things in this life, and I try to remember that every day. I am putting all my faith in God and trusting that He will bless us with what he feels is right for us. I am trying to never lose sight of that little light at the end of this long, long, long tunnel. I am still taking things day by day, and I'm sure I always will. My journey through grief will be a lifelong path and I am beginning to accept that. There have been so many things over the past 9 months that kind people have done, events that I have attended in honor of Waylon, poetry that I have written. I will eventually post all of these things on here, I feel it is important for other grieving families to see that there are resourses and people out there who care. Even complete strangers. So I ask that you please bear with me if you are one of the people that I have not aknowledged yet, my computer no longer has an enter key, so I have a hard time adding pictures and just writing in general. This post is a perfect example, there are no breaks in the writing, it's all written together, because I can't hit enter. I never knew how much I used that key until I couldn't anymore. I just want to quickly say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I hope that my words can speak deeply to you, and you will always have hope in your darkest of times.