ALONE

I am sitting here tonight, all alone. Chris is out of town and Waylon is in heaven. The dogs are here with me, thank goodness, but they seem to be consumed by playing biter dog with each other, paying no attention to me what-so-ever. At least they provide sound. I hate the deafening scilence that is almost always a result of being ALONE. This is the first time that Chris has gone out of town since we lost Waylon. I am scared, sad and anxious all at the same time. I usually have to take something to help me sleep when he is gone during "normal" circumstances, and I am hardly in that type of place in life right now. "Normal" has never quite been the case for my life, but then again, what is normal? Who is normal? You got me, I have no idea.

I have had such an unproductive day today....after I dropped Chris off at the airport I came home and thought I would try and get some sleep. That didn't happen. So I decided to watch a movie, well that turned into watching two movies and then while flipping through the channels I saw this show that I used to watch almost every day during the later months of my pregnancy called "A Baby Story" on TLC. For some reason I chose to stop on that show, why, who the heck knows. I instantly started to cry. Waylon has been all I can think of since then. Not that that is much different from every other day, but today was just extra emotional. I sat in his room for a while, looked at all of his pictures, and began to write some more poetry. I didn't get a whole lot accomplished on the poetry, but I have a good start to a few different ideas. Needless to say, today was a complete and total wash. I stayed in my PJ's and only went outside once to get the mail and a few times to let the dogs out.

I hate knowing that Chris won't be coming home tonight, I have been anticipating this first night for almost 3 months now. Why do I have to be so tormented by it? I guess it's just even more of a realization that Waylon is gone when I'm the only one here. Before, when Chris would go out of town....I always felt a little bit of comfort knowing that I wasn't really alone, I had my baby there with me, alive and kicking. Now, I feel so empty. So ALONE. I know this is kind of a dreary post, but it has been a dreary day. I have another poem to share, the title.....ALONE. I wrote it on 8-1-10, but it seems to fit tonight's post so here goes.

ALONE

Here I sit alone again,
Thinking of what might have been.
If you had stayed with us upon this earth,
To walk through life, letting us go first.
It wasn't supposed to be this way,
Now I'm left to believe and pray,
That you are safe in heaven, upon a cloud,
Watching over us....son I hope you're proud.

I miss you every single day,
I can't help but stop and cry and say....
I love you son, you're my baby boy,
My everything, my pride and joy.
I wish I could have seen your smile,
Or held your hand for just a while.

It makes me sad to think of these things,
So I sit alone and for me that brings,
A tear of anger, of sadness and pain.
Even though I know I have nothing to gain.
I've learned that it's ok to cry,
To feel disabled and not know why.

I see signs of you all over the place,
And for me that brings hope and a smile to my face.
I know you are there and can feel my love,
Even from way up high, clear up above.
If love could build mountains, I'd build one so tall,
That you could come down from heaven and visit us all.
My son I know you are where you belong,
Even though I don't get it, I'll try and be strong.

So although here I'll sit alone again,
And think about what might have been.
If you were here, what would you say?
I love you mom and I'm ok.

- Jen Stagge
"In memory of my son, Waylon Bruce Stagge 6-21-10"

I hope you all like it. I ran it by the dogs before I wrote it on this post and they seemed to approve, so enjoy. I love all of you that read my blog, you make me smile even at the saddest of times.

Here's to hopefully a peaceful, sleep filled night. XOXO

WAYLON'S STAR

This last week I met one of the kindest sweetest people I have ever known, and she gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received. A star. Not just any star, but one that is now named after my son. Every night since Waylon left us I have looked up at the stary sky and thought of him looking down on us. I haven't yet found his star in the sky, but I intend to locate it soon. I was thinking I would go up to the university and see if someone there will help me locate it.

Babette and Dan, thank you so much!! This gift means more to me than I can ever express. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family, so willing to help and try so hard to make me feel better. Just seeing Waylon's name written in the stars, so to speak, makes me just melt. I wrote a poem shortly after we set Waylon's spirit free and I think it goes perfectly with this post. Here it is......

UPON A STAR

Tonight I wish upon a star,

That you were near and not so far.

Then before I knew,

My wish came true.

Your spirit stayed with me all night,

You calmed my fears and held me tight.

In my dreams I saw your face,

You were running and jumping all over the place.

I spoke to you just like everyday,

I awaited your reply, what would you say?

Then came a simple dose of reality,

When I knew you couldn't speak back to me.

Although a dream, it was all so true,

I'd never see these days with you.

I awoke with a sense of pain and joy,

I felt ever so lucky to have seen my little boy.

If even for a minute and only in a dream,

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Your spirit saw the pain in my eyes,

You felt my love and heard my cries.

Then when you finally had to leave my side,

Always in my heart you'll still reside.

I know you'll be back to see me soon,

Until then, I'll stare up at the moon.

The stars will shine bright in the dark night sky,

As I try and just breathe.....enough to get by.

I'll think of you when I see them shine,

My baby, my boy, sweet son of mine.

- Jen Stagge

"In memory of my son, Waylon Bruce Stagge 6-21-10"

I have many more that I have written here and there over the past couple of months. Don'tworry, I will post them soon.

Babette and Dan, please know that I appreciate your love and generosity so much. I will always cherish this gift and please know that we love you both very much. XOXO

NURSERY

My husband and I moved into a new home just 2 days before our son passed away, and sadly we never got to even get any of his things out of the boxes or put together before he was gone. When we came home from the hospital, I went straight to his nursery filled with brand new baby clothes, boxes everywhere, his car seat that was still in its original box, etc etc and it broke my heart even more to know that I would never get to see him in that room, it would never be the place he would grow up and do his homework or play. I sat there on the floor of the empty room for what seemed like an eternity, until Chris helped me to our bed to try and rest. After seeing his room day after day and remembering how I had longed for the chance to get to put his nursery together, but couldn't due to moving.....I decided I still wanted to put it together.

Most people in our situation probably have to come home and eventually pack up their sweet baby's things, which would be just as hard as what I decided had to be done to make me feel better. I couldn't stand walking past a room filled with boxes and unused things just here and there. I wanted it all to have a place, and that's just what I did. Even if I have to pack it up later, at least it was there for a while and that to me was better than not doing it at all. Here are a few pictures of what it looks like so far. I guess for now it is done.....but only because I don't feel like I can really decorate anything. What if we have a little girl next, that just wouldn't work. So....for now it's just furniture and clothes. I'm sure Waylon won't mind giving hand me downs to a little brother if that's what we end up blessed with.

Chris and I put the crib together one night and found out that none of the bedding I had bought would work for it. Darn it.....I'll just have to take it back I suppose.

Ok, so HE did most of the work while I sat and cried, but still. The dogs tried to help too.

I organized everything in bins and hung all his little clothes up in the closet. Yes....it's a walk in. What a spoiled little angel isn't he. I don't care what anyone thinks....he deserves it.

Here is the changing table/dresser and diaper pail.

And the nightstand, which for now holds his urn, hand and foot molds box, his picture and of course his stuffed horsey that makes a whinny sound.

This was the picture frame that I got Chris for Father's Day, I gave it to him in the morning and Waylon died sometime during the evening that same day. I never got to put a picture in it for either of them. The one that's in it right now is the one it came with and it breaks my heart to see the daddy holding the little boy up in his arms. Now, the only picture I can put in it is one of the only day we got to spend together as a family. I remember seeing this frame in a magazine at Christmas time and I knew I wanted to get it for Chris for Father's Day. I just wish I had known what that day would really be to us.

I have promised myself that I am not going to take down any of Waylon's clothes out of the closet or hang anything on the walls until we have another little one on the way and we know if it's a boy or girl. I will post more pictures of the nursery as it evolves down the road.

NAMES ON THE SIDEWALK

I found this blog while reading another blog similar to mine. Or well, one that is about a family who lost a child as well. It struck my fancy and I emailed the author to please write Waylon's name for me like she has so many other angels. This is what she sent me.....

Thank you sooooo much Tiffany!! This means so much to me. I don't know what it is about seeing his name written out, but I LOVE IT!! Her blog's address is http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/  I am looking into other ways to have his name written as well. There are several other blogs whose authors do things like this, but some of them are so overwhelmed with angel name requests that they had to take a break for a bit. I totally understand. I will post more of them as I receive word back.

MY HUSBAND

So some of you were probably wondering why I didn't have my husband on the list of thank yous. Well, I wanted to do a completely seperate post to thank him and I didn't have time to keep writing that same night, so here it is.....

I am married to the most wonderful, caring, handsome, loving, smart, etc etc man on the face of this earth. I love him more than words can ever express. He has been here for me every second of every day through all of this among other things in our lives as well. He has been my rock, my person that has loved me unconditionally every day. When I fall, he is there to pick me up. I know how much he is hurting right now and he somehow finds the strength to help me with anything I need. He fielded the phone calls and the visitors for weeks and still continues to do so. He drove me to the hospital the night we lost Waylon and remained calm so that I wouldn't get even more upset. He stayed right by my side the entire time we were there and held my hand through labor and delivery. He called our entire family and broke the devastating news. He got me whatever I needed day and night without having to be asked. He helped me in and out of bed, he carried me into the house when we came home from the hospital with empty arms. He has spent countless hours holding me tight when I couldn't stop crying in the middle of the night. He has been so encouraging in trying to make me feel better. I can't even describe how thankful I am for him. This has been the worst experience of both of our lives and he has been absolutely amazing. We express our grief in very different ways, as do most couples, and he has been so great to just let me do whatever I need to do to get through it. As have I for him.

In a nutshell, I am so grateful to have him in my life. He is my everything, and I love him with all of my heart. I truly am blessed to have such a wonderful husband. XOXO

THANK YOU baby for everything you have done for me, continue to do for me and will undoubtedly do for me in the future. I LOVE YOU!!

MY BIG LIST OF THANK YOUS

I feel the need to go in to detail about all the people I want to thank for everything and why, so I am going to list them all here. Some may read this and others may not, but I feel like either way the unbelievable kindness from all these people in my life should not go unmentioned or unnoticed. So......

Mom- Thank you for taking off work to be there for Chris and I in the hospital and the following week, I know how hard it is for you to get time off. Thank you for fixing us food and helping with the house and braiding my hair and caring about us. There are so many things to mention I don't even think I can list them all, but just know that everything you have done to help has been so amazing.

Momma Carol- Thank you for being my friend, and for coming to the hospital to be with Chris and I and for coming over to our house the following weeks. Thank you for fixing us food, cleaning, organizing, unpacking boxes, painting my toenails, etc, etc etc. You have done so many things to help us, I can never thank you enough.

Bruce- Thank you for coming to the hospital when you were at the airport ready to go out of town for work. I know you wouldn't have missed it for anything, but just know that we appreciate you being there for us. We were so glad that we got a hold of you in time. Thank you for helping us with the house and being here every day the following weeks to do anything we needed. Thank you for running errands and making arrangements at the mortuary for us. You are such an amazing Grandpa, I wish Waylon could have gotten the chance to know the amazing man he was named after....we picked it for a reason.

Dr. S- Thank you for being the most compassionate, attentive doctor anyone could ever ask for. I know this experience was hard on you too, and I thank you for being there for us in every way possible. Thank you for coming to the hospital in the middle of the night and holding my hand for the worst news any mother could ever receive. Thank you for crying with us, and most of all thank you for delivering my sweet angel. You hold a special place in my heart.

Hospital Nursing Staff- Thank you for taking such amazing care of me and my husband during our stay. I won't list names, but I had 6 nurses that tried to do everything they could to make me comfortable. Thank you for trying so hard to find my baby's heartbeat, thank you for making sure I felt as little physical pain as possible, thank you for getting me everything I requested and most of all thank you for handling my son's sweet body with care.

SHARE- Thank you so much to Rachael and Sonja for coming to the hospital for us. We share a common bond that I know we all wish was not the case, but we will always be friends because of it. Thank you for welcoming me into a club I never wanted to join, I feel lucky that good people like you are members too. Thank you for being so sweet and caring to us, people who until 6-21-10 were strangers, yet you treated us like lifelong friends. Thank you for the hand and foot molds of my sweet baby, and thank you for handling his little body so gently. SHARE has been such a huge help to me and I couldn't ask for more support, all the people involved are truly amazing!!

Dr. S's staff- Thank you for always taking such great care of me when I came in for my appointments, and thank you for being so sweet and compassionate when I came in for my post partum check ups as well. I miss seeing you girls on a regular basis.

Dickie- Thank you for taking the dogs to Dog Mode and helping us with the house and dog run. We appreciate it so much!!

Quail Pointe- Thank you for the beautiful flowers and the donation to the SHARE organization. That meant so much to us. I love each and every one of you, and I miss working with you. You will forever be my friends!!

NILMDTS Photographer- I don't remember your name, but I am eternally grateful for you. You have given me a gift I will cherish for all my life. Pictures of my son. I will never get to see him again in this life and sadly, due to the shock I was in, I hardly remember my time in the hospital, the ONLY time I got to see my son. Thank you, thank you for these gorgeous pictures of my angel.

Family and Friends- Thank you for all your support, your kindness and your love. Chris and I are eternally grateful to have such special people in our lives. Some of you brought us food, some helped with our house, some sent us cards and flowers, some came over and sat with us as we cried, and all of you kept us in your thoughts and prayers. We are so lucky to be so loved by all of you. Thank you for offering to do anything possible to help, we appreciate it more than you can ever know. Nick-Thank you for setting up a memorial fund and thank you to everyone who donated or are still donating, this has been really tough on us finacially and I can't even tell you how much that helps. Thank you for giving us our space and not judging us for having our feelings and not being able to see some of you. Thank you to our immediate family who have been here for us through thick and thin and attending Waylon's celebration of life as well as coming to the hospital to see us and our baby. I could go on and on, and I hope you all understand if I am forgetting anything....I sure don't mean to. There have just been so many amazing things, that I can't even begin to list them all.

I feel like I am going on and on and on, but I just want to make sure everyone feels special and knows how much we love them and appreciate all of their help. I am going to feel terrible if I have left anyone out. Just please know that I am not forgetting intenionally, I am just overwhelmed with trying to remember everything all at once. I love you all, and I hope you can continue to be understanding and just let us get through our grief one step and one day at a time. Please continue to think about us, be patient with us and most of all please be sure to remember our baby. We never want him to be forgotten, not by anyone, no matter what.

XOXO

A WORK IN PROGRESS, BUT DONE FOR NOW

Welcome to my blog!! I have spent countless hours creating a place my family, friends and other folks out there can visit to help remember my son. This blog will serve as an online journal for me as I continue through my grieving process. Tragedy struck my family nearly 2 months ago now and writing has been such an outlet for me. I hope I can look back on these entries and visually see my progress. I have learned so much about life, love and faith since Waylon passed away. I want to be able to look back and see how far I have come, and how much strength I have gained. My family and friends say I am "strong", but boy do I feel weak. I think of my son everyday, and I'm sure I always will. This is a way for me to remember the little things, the things that serve as reminders of him, the things that make life worth living. I knew I wanted to help other bereaved families in some way, as I was helped by other blogs and volunteers who know what it's like to lose a child. Please read and enjoy the memories I have created, and will continue to create....help me to remember and honor my son. XOXO