WAYLON'S 1ST BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN

2011 PAY IT FORWARD PROJECT

COMING SOON.....

2011 RUNNING WITH ANGELS 5K

I am a little behind on getting this post done, but on May 21, 2011 Chris and I drove down to Thanksgiving Point for the Running With Angels 5K Run/Walk. I was seriously debating on whether I should attempt to do it being so far along, but I am so glad we did. It was such a fun morning. I thought it was quite fitting that we be walking for Waylon that day, it was the day he would have been 11 months old. I can't believe it's almost been a year since we said goodbye.

The race started at 8 am, and before they announced that we could start a bunch of white doves were released. It was so neat!!

Can you see them?

This race is put on every year by a woman named Pam Hansen. She is such an inspirational person. Her book, Running With Angels, talks about her struggle with obesity after the loss of a twin daughter and a stillborn son. She also had two other daughters who had debilitating autoimmune diseases. She has been through so much. In the book, she described how her addiction to food was life consuming, until she finally got to a point where she slowly started walking and then running and went on to lose 100 lbs and compete in a several marathons. I thought it was an amazing book!!

You can go HERE for more information on the race and this book.

When we started the walk I felt like I was going to be so slow and take forever getting to the finish line, but to my surprise.....I did so well. I was actually passing people and had a sense of motivation to do my absolute best for Waylon. I just know he was with us the whole way, encouraging us to keep walking.

We wore our honorary bibs with Waylon's name on them.

There were almost 900 people there walking and running!!

The course was all through the Thanksgiving Point Gardens, it was absolutely gorgeous!!

We crossed the finish line at 50 minutes. Not too bad for being 8 months pregnant I must say. After we cooled down, they started the prize giveaways. I actually won something. I never win. They called my number to come up and get my prize, a $25 Target giftcard, and I met Pam. They announced my finish of the race and acknowledged that I was there walking for and with Waylon. It was so neat!! I was honored to meet such an inspirational person. It was a great day!! 

I know we will definitely be back for the race next year and probably every year after that. Maybe we can run it in 2012 with Madison in the stroller. I'm sure she will want to honor her big brother too.

We miss you so much Waylon. We think of you every day. I hope you are proud of us and know that we are doing everything we can to honor you and keep your memory alive. Thank you for helping me get through this race, we love you sooooooooo much!! XOXO

2011 MARCH FOR BABIES WALK

First of all, I want to thank everyone who was able to come out and walk with us, (Tammie, Carol, Julieanne, Ren, Nick, Terryn, Parker, Maisie, Hendrix, Jordan, Hollie, Xander, Gabe, Campbell, Ben, Cassie, Carter, Hallie, Ellie, Sadie, Julie and Doris) it meant so much to us to have the support of a loving and understanding family. You all are absolutely AMAZING people!! Second, thank you soooo much to those who were able to donate to the cause. We made our goal of $100 and then some....our final amount raised was $115!! That is awesome you guys!! Thank you sooooo much for making it all happen. The March of Dimes is a great cause to raise money for. They do so much to help families with babies in the NICU, and fund a lot of research to help make it possible for more babies to never end up there in the first place. To read more about the cause click HERE. I decided to start a team and walk this year to hopefully prevent someone, anyone from enduring the pain and heartache of losing a child. We all walked in Waylon's name, but we walked for more than just him. We walked for all the babies who are miscarried, born still, born too soon, born with special needs and for those whose little bodies just couldn't fight any longer. We walked for ALL babies!! It was a way fun day!! I hope everyone who came had a great time and will consider joining the team again next year. We love you all so much, thank you for being a part of this with us. I know Waylon would be proud of us!! XOXO

MOTHER'S DAY

This year I wasn't quite sure how to feel about Mother's Day. The days leading up to it I had a few different thoughts of how the day would go. I thought that maybe it would be awkward and people wouldn't know whether or not to tell me Happy Mother's Day. I personally have never once NOT considered myself a mother. I became a mother the second Waylon started growing in my belly. Nothing can change that or take it away. I could never pretend that it didn't happen. Sure, I am not the traditional "mother" right now. I can't see or hold my baby boy, and I never got the pleasure of raising him, but I AM still a mother. Madison also reminds me every day that I am a mother. I know that right now I am caring for her while she grows strong and tries to make it into this crazy world. I long for that day to come. Once I realized that as long as "I" knew that I am a mother, nothing else mattered. I am so greateful for the wonderful and loving family I have. Thank you to everyone who thought of me on Mother's Day. Thank you to my sweet angel for first making me a mom. I miss you so much and even though you aren't here to tell me Happy Mother's Day, I can still feel your love. Thank you to my baby girl, Madison, for giving me lots of kicks and letting me know she is ok. I love you so much already. Mother's Day isn't only about my motherhood though, it's about my mom and my mother-in-law and all women who are mother's for that matter. Thank you mom for always being my friend, and sticking by me through everything. You are an amazing momma and I am so grateful to have you in my life. I hope I can learn from you and become a great mother myself. Momma Carol, thank you for bringing my man into this world, that alone is something I will be eternally grateful for. You are such a kind, sweet, loving person. I feel honored to know you and so grateful to have you as my friend. I feel comforted knowing you will always be there for me no matter what. Thank you for loving my eggs. :)  All in all, I had a great day. Thank you to my loving husband for making today special for me. I love you more than words can say. You are my everything. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, to all the momma's missing their baby(ies), hoping their baby(ies) get here safely, and to those who get to hold your little ones in your arms......squeeze them a little tighter today. I hope you have a peaceful day. XOXO

INTERNATIONAL BABYLOST MOTHER'S DAY

Yesterday was International Babylost Mother's Day. This is a day that was created by Carly Marie Dudley to celebrate all the wonderful women in the world who have lost their baby/ies. You can go HERE to read more about it. Carly has created a wave of healing through her generosity and kindness. She truely is inspirational. Mother's and Father's Day are very difficult holidays for bereaved parents to endure, so this day is a day that we who have lost our little ones can remember that we are indeed STILL mothers, even if our child/ren aren't with us in this life. I hope yesterday was a peaceful and good day for all of you fellow mother's missing your babies. May peace be with you. XOXO

10 MONTHS

It's been 10 months today since we held this little hand. Every month when the 21st rolls around I think of how old he would have been. I have been thinking so much about the 1 year mark that is quickly looming, and I can't help but think of how many years of pain are ahead of us. I miss Waylon so much it hurts. However, we have been blessed with so many things recently that strengthen our faith and are true testimonies that we will see our baby boy again someday. I feel as if I am being directed to these things in order to find comfort in coming days, months and years we have without Waylon here. I have days of sorrow, days of happiness and of course days when I just can't manage to do anything, but I think they are all part of this journey I never thought I'd find myself on. It is really, really hard. I saw something the other day that I probably need posted somewhere in our home just to keep reminding me. It said, "I CAN DO HARD THINGS" I sat and thought about the phrase for a bit, and determined that it was absolutely right. I "CAN" do hard things. So, I started thinking of ways that I can give back, ways that I can remind others that they can do hard things too. I have come up with some ideas for Waylon's 1st Birthday/Angel Day and I love how they are coming together. I will post more about them when I can get a few pictures taken of what I am cooking up. I have so many poems to share also, but I can't post them as of yet, due to the continuing enter key fiasco, but I promise I will share them as soon as I can. Goodness I miss my son!! I wonder everyday what we would be doing together? What would he look like? I guess I will always wonder these types of things. How could I not? I just hope Waylon is proud of his parents and knows that we are doing everything we can to make sure his name lives on honorably. I love you Waylon, Momma misses you so much little boy!! XOXO

WALK WITH ME

Ok family, I need your help. I have registered to walk in the 2011 March Of Dimes, March For Babies. It is 3 mile walk to support this amazing organization. Funds raised in March for Babies support research and programs that help moms have full-term pregnancies and babies begin healthy lives. And they will be used to bring comfort and information to families with a baby in newborn intensive care. I have started a "Family Team" called "Team Waylon". We will be walking in honor of Waylon on Saturday May 7, 2011 starting at 10:00 am, registration however begins at 9:00 am. The walk is held at the Layton Commons Park, 437 North Wasatch Drive, Layton, UT 84041. There is a map link on the site. So....this walk is free, however I set a goal for my team to try and raise $100.00. I figure if I can find 10 people to walk with me and each of them donated $10.00 then we would reach our goal!! I know this is a lot to ask, and you don't have to do it if you don't want to. I know that times are tight right now, and every little bit counts. I would still love to have you walk with me, even if you can't donate a penny. I am in the process of getting matching T-shirts for everyone, so if you're planning on doing this with me, let me know so I can get you a T-shirt, if you want one. There are 2 options. The first is just a plain black one with the March of Dimes logo and says Family Team, they are $6.50-$9.00 each depending on size needed and quantity ordered.....or we could go with a more personalized option of having shirts designed, but they would run about $15.00 each. I am leaning toward the cheaper option. I know this is kind of short notice, but the shirts can take a bit of time to come in, so I need you to let me know before this Saturday, April 16, 2011. That's when I will be placing the order. All the information for the walk and more about what March of Dimes does can be found at my team page TEAM WAYLON. Please, if you want to do this with me, go to my team page and click on "join this team". There are other options too, if you can't make it to the walk, but still want to support Team Waylon and the March of Dimes, then you are more than welcome to donate. Every penny makes a difference. Even if you can't donate yourself, you can give the website information to anyone whom you think would want to and they can then donate. There is also a button on my sidebar that will allow you to go directly to the team page and/or donate. Please don't feel obligated though, I NEVER want our family to feel obligated. This is just a cause that speaks dearly to my heart. I unfortuantely have learned that there are so many different things that can threaten the lives of babies. This organization is trying to make a difference by doing research to prevent these things and helping families with sick babies. I have wondered for almost 10 months now.....why? Why could no one see that there was a problem with Waylon's umbilical cord. What if there was a way to start seeing problems like these on ultrasound or something? Could that have saved his life? I will always wish that something could have been done. Although I will never get him back, maybe by doing my little part in helping the March of Dimes they can eventually come up with a way to save babies with those kind of problems, and sooooo many others. It really is a miracle when a baby is born healthy, considering everything that can go wrong. Wow, I sound like a spokesperson, don't I? This will be a fun family event to do together. I hope you will join me. Chris and I love each and every one of you. We look forward to seeing you soon. xoxo

VALENTINE'S DAY 2011

Well I am still plugging away at getting caught up. I am dedicating all of today to blogging and getting my thoughts and ideas recorded. So bear with me as I try and catch up. This year for Valentine's Day we decided to change our annual trip a little bit. See, it all began in 2008 when Chris and I went to Bear Lake for Valentine's Day. We went out to dinner on the 14th and then for a hike up to our peak that overlooks all of Bear Lake on the 15th. Chris decided to be clever and try and throw me for a loop. He didn't want to do things on the 14th because it was too traditional. He decided that proposing at the top of the peak the next day would be better......he was right. I will never ever forget that day, I was so incredibly happy. We were then married on the bech of Bear Lake in August of 2008. Ok, now that I've gotten everyone up to speed, we have gone back to Bear Lake every year since then for Valentine's day. This year we decided instead of staying up there for a couple of days, that we would rather go and visit Waylon's rock. So we borrowed a snow mobile from a friend of ours and rode it all the way to camp. Much easier than snow shoeing I must say......however that was fun too. When we got to camp the snow was soooo high and it was really cold. We had to dig out his rock again, but the snow wasn't quite as bad as Christmas Eve. We made him a Valentine, read it to him and placed it by his rock. We didn't get to stay for very long, as we had to make it back down the mountain before it got dark. We went out to eat for our Valentine's Day dinner at the Ranch Hand. What a great day!! Thank you to my handsome man for making it possible. Happy Valentine's Day little man. Mommy and Daddy love you Waylon, we miss you so much!! xoxo 

CHRISTMAS EVE 2010

Here I am backtracking some more. I should have done these posts as they occurred, but I just wasn't in the right state of mind at the time. This last Christmas was a hard one, it was originally supposed to be our first Christmas with Waylon, our first Christmas as a little family of 3 (humans that is), but all of that was ripped away from us in June. Back in 2009, the Christmas that I was pregnant with Waylon, all I could think of was how much the next year would be different, how we would be buying all sorts of things to go under the tree for our little one. Never in a million years would I have thought that anything would go wrong and he wouldn't be here with us. Never did I think that we would be visiting his rock instead of teaching him how to open a present. Well, the unthinkable actually happened. We decided that we would spend this Christmas reflecting and being grateful for the many blessings and trials we received over the year instead of presents. I was going to try and organize a charity donation of some kind, but I just couldn't muster up the strength mentally or physically to do it. We decided that just being together was enough for us. Since Waylon couldn't be here with us, we decided to go to his rock and take him a few things. We knew that when we spread his ashes at camp we would have a hard time getting to his spot during the winter months, which has proved to be one one of the hardest things for us. We were determined to get there any way we could, so we drove the 4-wheelers as far as we could get on the dirt road, then got off and snow shoed the rest of the way up the mountain. I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time, so it was a bit challenging for me, but I didn't give up. Ren, Julieanne, my momma, Chris, me and the mutts Wyatt, Morgan and Doc Holliday all made the trek. Bruce and Carol came with us too. I am so grateful to our wonderful family for coming with us to do this. I can't thank them enough for their love and support. It was such a cold day and the fog was really thick. The mutts had frost on their wiskers, and the boys had icicles forming on their beards, even Julieanne's and my braids were frosted, but we made it all the way up to his rock. We went right to it. The snow was so deep that we couldn't even see where anything was, we were on top of most of the vegetation and somehow we still knew exactly where his rock was. We had to dig it out once we got there. Some of our family members had written Waylon a letter, some made a card, and we made sure to take our little boy a John Deere tractor toy to play with. This was not the way I had planned on spending this Christmas with him, but I was so glad that we were able to at least do what we did. This will forever be a tradition for us for years to come. Oh how I miss my little boy. Merry Christmas Waylon, we love you so much. xoxo

2010 SHARE WALK TO REMEMBER

Ok, so I have been backtracking a bit lately. I have wanted to get caught up on all the topics I had saved up for this blog for quite some time now. Eventually, I WILL be caught up. So this is a look back at the 2010 SHARE Walk to Remember. It was on October 9, 2010 just over 3 months after we lost Waylon. I knew it was something I wanted to attend, even though I knew there would probably be babies there, and at the time that was something that was sooooo incredibly hard for me. I knew it would be a hard day, but SHARE had done so much to help and support me not only in the hospital, but through group meetings, on facebook, etc. I wanted to be there to honor Waylon and walk for him. My momma, Carol, Julieanne and I all went together. I can't thank them enough for being there for me that day, it made it a lot better knowing that I wasn't alone. Chris was at camp for the hunt at the time, so he couldn't be there. It was amazing to see how many people showed up. We all wore matching t-shirts and sweatshirts with all the babies names on the back and everyone received a ballon in either blue, pink or white. We were able to write a message to our little ones that attached to our balloons. Just the sight of all the balloons was unbelieveable, and this was only a fraction of the state, just 3 counties I think. There were so many grieving families all brought together that day. Some whose loss(es) have been years ago and some as new as me. We took a walk around the park, walking for the steps our babies will never take. Then as the names were read aloud we released our balloons into the sky. For a moment the sky was filled with balloons, sooooo many balloons. When it was our turn to release, all of Waylon's balloons stayed right together until I couldn't see them anymore. It was incredible that they didn't drift apart. There was a short program involved and refreshments. Kevin Burdick was a guest speaker. For those who don't know his name, he is a recording artist. His daughter Dempsey Burdick passed away at just 31 days old due to a congenital heart defect. He now has founded the Dempsey Burdick Memorial Foundation, found here, it is a foundation that provides headstones to grieving families who have lost children. It is such a great cause, they are doing so many things to help people. Their site is worth checking out and donating to if you so choose. All in all it was a great day, one I will never forget and an event I will always go to in the years to come. Thank you SHARE for everything!! These are some of the pictures from that day. We love you Waylon and we miss you every day!! xoxo