2010 SHARE WALK TO REMEMBER

Ok, so I have been backtracking a bit lately. I have wanted to get caught up on all the topics I had saved up for this blog for quite some time now. Eventually, I WILL be caught up. So this is a look back at the 2010 SHARE Walk to Remember. It was on October 9, 2010 just over 3 months after we lost Waylon. I knew it was something I wanted to attend, even though I knew there would probably be babies there, and at the time that was something that was sooooo incredibly hard for me. I knew it would be a hard day, but SHARE had done so much to help and support me not only in the hospital, but through group meetings, on facebook, etc. I wanted to be there to honor Waylon and walk for him. My momma, Carol, Julieanne and I all went together. I can't thank them enough for being there for me that day, it made it a lot better knowing that I wasn't alone. Chris was at camp for the hunt at the time, so he couldn't be there. It was amazing to see how many people showed up. We all wore matching t-shirts and sweatshirts with all the babies names on the back and everyone received a ballon in either blue, pink or white. We were able to write a message to our little ones that attached to our balloons. Just the sight of all the balloons was unbelieveable, and this was only a fraction of the state, just 3 counties I think. There were so many grieving families all brought together that day. Some whose loss(es) have been years ago and some as new as me. We took a walk around the park, walking for the steps our babies will never take. Then as the names were read aloud we released our balloons into the sky. For a moment the sky was filled with balloons, sooooo many balloons. When it was our turn to release, all of Waylon's balloons stayed right together until I couldn't see them anymore. It was incredible that they didn't drift apart. There was a short program involved and refreshments. Kevin Burdick was a guest speaker. For those who don't know his name, he is a recording artist. His daughter Dempsey Burdick passed away at just 31 days old due to a congenital heart defect. He now has founded the Dempsey Burdick Memorial Foundation, found here, it is a foundation that provides headstones to grieving families who have lost children. It is such a great cause, they are doing so many things to help people. Their site is worth checking out and donating to if you so choose. All in all it was a great day, one I will never forget and an event I will always go to in the years to come. Thank you SHARE for everything!! These are some of the pictures from that day. We love you Waylon and we miss you every day!! xoxo 

THE CHURCH OF THE HOLY INNOCENTS

Right after Waylon died, we received his "Certificate of Stillbirth" and I remember thinking....wow I never expected to see one of these in my lifetime. I never even knew they existed prior to Waylon. I was heartbroken just thinking how one little sheet of paper could bring even more devastation, but it did. I knew right then that I had to do more, I had to put Waylon's name out there in every way I could possibly think to do. His existence meant more to our family than just a measely sheet of paper. So I looked and found this idea on another blog, I don't remember which one now, I should have wrote it down but it was, www.innocents.com/shrine.asp a link to The Chruch Of The Holy Innocents. Basically, this church has a shrine that is dedicated to babies who died before they were born. (miscarriages and stillbirth) They inscribe the babies names into a "Book of Life" that rests between 2 statues inside the church. I loved that Waylon's name could reach all the way to New York and that people there who didn't even know him or us would know that he existed in this world. I am bound and determined to help his legacy live on, and this was one way to contribute to that. I received an email from the Shrine Director after I sent my request, this is what he sent me:                                                                                                                                                       Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for visiting our shrine to the unborn. I feel greatly sorry
for your loss and pray that the good Lord gives you more courage and
strength. You have someone close with God who prays for you, and an
angel who watches over you. I have enshrined your child's name in the
Book of Life. I am the pastor at Holy Innocents and I consider it a
privilege to take care of the Shrine ministry, which is very close to
my heart. Please give me your suggestions to improve this all
important ministry. May the good Lord bless you with peace and health.
If I can be of any other assistance, please don’t hesitate to let me
know.
With every good wish for God’s Blessings on you and your loved ones.
In Christ the Lord,
Fr. Thomas Kallumady                                          Sorry about the format on this, my stupid missing enter key is driving me bonkers!! I loved receiving this from the Pastor. What a sweet and loving person he must be. He also sent me the certificate that's shown in this post. If any of you are interested in having your babies names added to the shrine, or know someone who has lost a child(ren) I have the link also listed on my sidebar. It can be extremely comforting to see your child's name, not only on a certificate, but in many other ways. I hope this can help someone else as it did me.  xoxo

JEWELRY BY "MY MOM"

I have been trying to get caught up on thanking people for all the wonderful things they did for us after we lost Waylon. My mom is one of those I have thanked a thousand times, but I think the piece of jewelry she made me needs its own special thank you. A little history on my mom's jewelry: she has been making her nifty creations for about 5 or so years now and for the last year and a half she has had her things featured in a local "home crafts" store, a horse tack and apparel shop and she has sold various pieces here and there. She is so darn creative when it comes to new ideas and the jewelry she makes is AMAZING!! This is the bracelet she made for me. I wear it all the time and I love and cherish it not only because my Mom made it, but because every time I look at it on my wrist it reminds me of my little man. I love the design that she came up with for it. So....thank you Momma, I love love love this gift. You are such a sweet lady and I couldn't ask for a better friend. I love you. xoxo     P.S.  If any of you BLM's out there are looking for customized jewelry similar to this piece or pretty much any kind of jewelry please leave me a comment with your information and I will get you linked up to my Momma. She does amazing work. She doesn't have a website or blog yet, as she only does jewelry making part-time, but she is working on an etsy shop, so I will eventually post a link.

BELATED THANK YOUS

I have been meaning to write a post on some of the thoughtful and generous things that people did for our family both in remembrance and honor of Waylon after they learned of what happened last June. I am always so speechless when it comes to kind gestures like these, always thinking in my head and heart that words just can't describe the gratefulness I feel towards peoples acts of kindness. Sometimes a pure and simple "Thank You" just doesn't do it, but I want everyone to know how much it means to us to see the things that people gave and remember our son. These pictures are of 3 trees that were given to us to plant in our yard. The represent a living thing that we can sit under, climb and stare at for years to come. The first are two Fruitless Mulberry trees given to us by Gerri, Lynn and Kevin. These wonderful people are good friends of ours. They own and manage the barn in which we boarded our horses. They all have such warm and loving hearts. Thank you so much for these beautiful trees, they are planted in our backyard. The gate that runs into our pasture now sits directly in between the trees. I just love the GIANT leaves they get. The last picture is of a Black Hills Spruce given to us by Zach,Tatiana and their two girls. Zach is my husband's uncle. Their family has been so sweet and supportive through everything. Thank you so much for this wonderful gift. We have such an amazing family. We love them all so very much. xoxo 

WAYLON'S NAME IN CRAYON

I received an email a while back that had this picture as an attachment. Jamie S saw this hanging on the wall in a school. Waylon's name is fairly uncommon, but there it was. So she sent it on to me. Jamie, I can't thank you enough for remembering my sweet little boy and taking a picture of his name for me. I still can't explain what it is about seeing his name written in several different ways, but it just brings a smile to my face. I guess it is just the thought of knowing that everytime someone speaks, writes or takes a picture of his name that he is being remembered. I absolutely LOVE this!! Thank you Jamie so very much. We love you!! 

REFLECTIONS

Over the past 6 or so months I have been holding back on writing, for various reasons. It hasn't been that I don't want to talk about things or write what I'm feeling, it's just been a time in my grieving process that I needed to "check out", so to speak. A time when I needed to just stare at the wall, or the TV or whatever didn't take much effort to do. After Waylon left this earth, in the months soon after I found myself using writing as an outlet, which was very comforting. Then in about September I lost all focus and began to retreat. I began to turn inward and stay away from everyone and everything. I think at the time I thought that if I was still grieving and unable to put a "real" smile on my face that I should just keep to myself, in order to spare everyone from having to be drug down with me. No one wants to be the "Debbie Downer" of any group. I read a lot about grief over this period of several months and determined that what I was going through was not only very normal, it was something that would eventually pass. During this time I felt so numb, so detached from everything, so depressed. I never got ready for the day, I just found it easier to stay in pajamas. I struggled to get through my everyday chores and be a productive person. I was anything but that. In November we found out that we were expecting another baby, and after my initial delight and happiness the worry and anxiety began to take over my every thought. I was very sick for the entire first trimester, which in turn just added to my misery and depression. I felt an array of emotions and questions run through me. I am still grieving the loss of Waylon, yet I have a new little life growing and depending on me for everything. Who was this new little person going to be? Would we make it far enough to know? Why won't my mind let me feel excited? Is it because this life will end too? Will people think that we are replacing Waylon? How will I ever go on if we were to lose this baby too? Are people getting tired of our grief? How will I make it through 40 more weeks of fearing the worst? Will people continue to remember Waylon? All of these things are a mere few of the racing thoughts that have taken over my mind. Some of them have been answered the more time has passed. I finally broke through the barrier that was holding me prisoner the day I felt our new baby move. It was such a bittersweet moment, that reminded me of the life that I had no longer feel move just months before and the new life growing inside that I was so grateful for. I was 16 weeks when I felt just a slight flutter while sitting by the fireplace on a cold night. I had anticipated that moment for a long time. I worried that it may bring even more anxiety because I knew that there would be no pattern to movement yet and it would be so sparatic that I would worry in between that something could be wrong. My anticipation of this milestone was right to some degree, I still worry, I still have anxiety when I haven't felt movement for a while.....but the pure joy of knowing that my baby was moving and ok at that very second was, for me, life changing. It seemed to pull me out of whatever dark hole I was living in. I began to see a small light at the end of a tunnel, I began to allow myself to start to feel excited for this little person to come into our lives. Over the past 6-7 weeks I have felt myself SLOWLY getting back to wanting to get out of bed in the morning, wanting to get dressed for the day, wanting to cook and clean and go out amongst the world again. It was as if I finally allowed a true sense of hope to embrace me. Then when we found out we were expecting a little girl, I felt happy, I felt a reason to trust that everything was going to be ok. Now, don't get me wrong....I am still a basket case, but I am finally at a place in my grief to allow God to do his work and trust that He knows what is best for us. I learned after losing Waylon that I DON'T have control over some things in this life, and I try to remember that every day. I am putting all my faith in God and trusting that He will bless us with what he feels is right for us. I am trying to never lose sight of that little light at the end of this long, long, long tunnel. I am still taking things day by day, and I'm sure I always will. My journey through grief will be a lifelong path and I am beginning to accept that. There have been so many things over the past 9 months that kind people have done, events that I have attended in honor of Waylon, poetry that I have written. I will eventually post all of these things on here, I feel it is important for other grieving families to see that there are resourses and people out there who care. Even complete strangers. So I ask that you please bear with me if you are one of the people that I have not aknowledged yet, my computer no longer has an enter key, so I have a hard time adding pictures and just writing in general. This post is a perfect example, there are no breaks in the writing, it's all written together, because I can't hit enter. I never knew how much I used that key until I couldn't anymore. I just want to quickly say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I hope that my words can speak deeply to you, and you will always have hope in your darkest of times.

9 MONTHS

Today marks the day Waylon would have been 9 months old. Wow, how time goes by......and yet it feels like just yesterday I was dreaming about all the things we would do together as he grew up. Goodness I miss him. I miss his feet and elbows going across my belly, back and forth. I miss his feet sticking out and forming a lump on my side. I miss his cravings for Chinese food and Ramen noodles, it seemed he LOVED salt. I miss the joy and bliss of thinking nothing could ever go wrong with my healthy pregnancy, boy was I wrong. I miss everything about the 37 weeks I spent with my son. To think that he was with me for 9 months and has now been gone for the same just breaks my heart all over again. Time goes so quickly. I sit here wondering what milestones he would be accomplishing at this age? Would he be walking yet? What foods would he love? Which would be his favorite toy? I will never know these things and I can imagine I will long to know for as long as I remain on this earth. Though as I continue to work through my grief I learn new things every day. I have learned that this life does go on after tragedy, that I will evenually "accept" what has happened and learn to love my "new" life. I am forever changed, I will never be the person I once was.....but I am slowly adapting to that and realizing that I have no other choice but to be this new person. I have learned that there are blessings in even the most tragic of times, and I intend to embrace and cherish that fact. As I wait for the rainbow after the storm, I will continue to pray every day that I will be blessed in a different way this time. I still have a LONG journey ahead in my current pregnancy, 16 weeks and 3 days to be exact. So as today is a bit hard to endure, I remain hopeful and greatful for what's to come. I remain hopeful that little Madison Stagge will make it here safely. We love you Waylon, and we miss you every day. Happy 9 months baby!!

ALONE

I am sitting here tonight, all alone. Chris is out of town and Waylon is in heaven. The dogs are here with me, thank goodness, but they seem to be consumed by playing biter dog with each other, paying no attention to me what-so-ever. At least they provide sound. I hate the deafening scilence that is almost always a result of being ALONE. This is the first time that Chris has gone out of town since we lost Waylon. I am scared, sad and anxious all at the same time. I usually have to take something to help me sleep when he is gone during "normal" circumstances, and I am hardly in that type of place in life right now. "Normal" has never quite been the case for my life, but then again, what is normal? Who is normal? You got me, I have no idea.

I have had such an unproductive day today....after I dropped Chris off at the airport I came home and thought I would try and get some sleep. That didn't happen. So I decided to watch a movie, well that turned into watching two movies and then while flipping through the channels I saw this show that I used to watch almost every day during the later months of my pregnancy called "A Baby Story" on TLC. For some reason I chose to stop on that show, why, who the heck knows. I instantly started to cry. Waylon has been all I can think of since then. Not that that is much different from every other day, but today was just extra emotional. I sat in his room for a while, looked at all of his pictures, and began to write some more poetry. I didn't get a whole lot accomplished on the poetry, but I have a good start to a few different ideas. Needless to say, today was a complete and total wash. I stayed in my PJ's and only went outside once to get the mail and a few times to let the dogs out.

I hate knowing that Chris won't be coming home tonight, I have been anticipating this first night for almost 3 months now. Why do I have to be so tormented by it? I guess it's just even more of a realization that Waylon is gone when I'm the only one here. Before, when Chris would go out of town....I always felt a little bit of comfort knowing that I wasn't really alone, I had my baby there with me, alive and kicking. Now, I feel so empty. So ALONE. I know this is kind of a dreary post, but it has been a dreary day. I have another poem to share, the title.....ALONE. I wrote it on 8-1-10, but it seems to fit tonight's post so here goes.

ALONE

Here I sit alone again,
Thinking of what might have been.
If you had stayed with us upon this earth,
To walk through life, letting us go first.
It wasn't supposed to be this way,
Now I'm left to believe and pray,
That you are safe in heaven, upon a cloud,
Watching over us....son I hope you're proud.

I miss you every single day,
I can't help but stop and cry and say....
I love you son, you're my baby boy,
My everything, my pride and joy.
I wish I could have seen your smile,
Or held your hand for just a while.

It makes me sad to think of these things,
So I sit alone and for me that brings,
A tear of anger, of sadness and pain.
Even though I know I have nothing to gain.
I've learned that it's ok to cry,
To feel disabled and not know why.

I see signs of you all over the place,
And for me that brings hope and a smile to my face.
I know you are there and can feel my love,
Even from way up high, clear up above.
If love could build mountains, I'd build one so tall,
That you could come down from heaven and visit us all.
My son I know you are where you belong,
Even though I don't get it, I'll try and be strong.

So although here I'll sit alone again,
And think about what might have been.
If you were here, what would you say?
I love you mom and I'm ok.

- Jen Stagge
"In memory of my son, Waylon Bruce Stagge 6-21-10"

I hope you all like it. I ran it by the dogs before I wrote it on this post and they seemed to approve, so enjoy. I love all of you that read my blog, you make me smile even at the saddest of times.

Here's to hopefully a peaceful, sleep filled night. XOXO

WAYLON'S STAR

This last week I met one of the kindest sweetest people I have ever known, and she gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received. A star. Not just any star, but one that is now named after my son. Every night since Waylon left us I have looked up at the stary sky and thought of him looking down on us. I haven't yet found his star in the sky, but I intend to locate it soon. I was thinking I would go up to the university and see if someone there will help me locate it.

Babette and Dan, thank you so much!! This gift means more to me than I can ever express. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family, so willing to help and try so hard to make me feel better. Just seeing Waylon's name written in the stars, so to speak, makes me just melt. I wrote a poem shortly after we set Waylon's spirit free and I think it goes perfectly with this post. Here it is......

UPON A STAR

Tonight I wish upon a star,

That you were near and not so far.

Then before I knew,

My wish came true.

Your spirit stayed with me all night,

You calmed my fears and held me tight.

In my dreams I saw your face,

You were running and jumping all over the place.

I spoke to you just like everyday,

I awaited your reply, what would you say?

Then came a simple dose of reality,

When I knew you couldn't speak back to me.

Although a dream, it was all so true,

I'd never see these days with you.

I awoke with a sense of pain and joy,

I felt ever so lucky to have seen my little boy.

If even for a minute and only in a dream,

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Your spirit saw the pain in my eyes,

You felt my love and heard my cries.

Then when you finally had to leave my side,

Always in my heart you'll still reside.

I know you'll be back to see me soon,

Until then, I'll stare up at the moon.

The stars will shine bright in the dark night sky,

As I try and just breathe.....enough to get by.

I'll think of you when I see them shine,

My baby, my boy, sweet son of mine.

- Jen Stagge

"In memory of my son, Waylon Bruce Stagge 6-21-10"

I have many more that I have written here and there over the past couple of months. Don'tworry, I will post them soon.

Babette and Dan, please know that I appreciate your love and generosity so much. I will always cherish this gift and please know that we love you both very much. XOXO

NURSERY

My husband and I moved into a new home just 2 days before our son passed away, and sadly we never got to even get any of his things out of the boxes or put together before he was gone. When we came home from the hospital, I went straight to his nursery filled with brand new baby clothes, boxes everywhere, his car seat that was still in its original box, etc etc and it broke my heart even more to know that I would never get to see him in that room, it would never be the place he would grow up and do his homework or play. I sat there on the floor of the empty room for what seemed like an eternity, until Chris helped me to our bed to try and rest. After seeing his room day after day and remembering how I had longed for the chance to get to put his nursery together, but couldn't due to moving.....I decided I still wanted to put it together.

Most people in our situation probably have to come home and eventually pack up their sweet baby's things, which would be just as hard as what I decided had to be done to make me feel better. I couldn't stand walking past a room filled with boxes and unused things just here and there. I wanted it all to have a place, and that's just what I did. Even if I have to pack it up later, at least it was there for a while and that to me was better than not doing it at all. Here are a few pictures of what it looks like so far. I guess for now it is done.....but only because I don't feel like I can really decorate anything. What if we have a little girl next, that just wouldn't work. So....for now it's just furniture and clothes. I'm sure Waylon won't mind giving hand me downs to a little brother if that's what we end up blessed with.

Chris and I put the crib together one night and found out that none of the bedding I had bought would work for it. Darn it.....I'll just have to take it back I suppose.

Ok, so HE did most of the work while I sat and cried, but still. The dogs tried to help too.

I organized everything in bins and hung all his little clothes up in the closet. Yes....it's a walk in. What a spoiled little angel isn't he. I don't care what anyone thinks....he deserves it.

Here is the changing table/dresser and diaper pail.

And the nightstand, which for now holds his urn, hand and foot molds box, his picture and of course his stuffed horsey that makes a whinny sound.

This was the picture frame that I got Chris for Father's Day, I gave it to him in the morning and Waylon died sometime during the evening that same day. I never got to put a picture in it for either of them. The one that's in it right now is the one it came with and it breaks my heart to see the daddy holding the little boy up in his arms. Now, the only picture I can put in it is one of the only day we got to spend together as a family. I remember seeing this frame in a magazine at Christmas time and I knew I wanted to get it for Chris for Father's Day. I just wish I had known what that day would really be to us.

I have promised myself that I am not going to take down any of Waylon's clothes out of the closet or hang anything on the walls until we have another little one on the way and we know if it's a boy or girl. I will post more pictures of the nursery as it evolves down the road.