WALK WITH ME

Ok family, I need your help. I have registered to walk in the 2011 March Of Dimes, March For Babies. It is 3 mile walk to support this amazing organization. Funds raised in March for Babies support research and programs that help moms have full-term pregnancies and babies begin healthy lives. And they will be used to bring comfort and information to families with a baby in newborn intensive care. I have started a "Family Team" called "Team Waylon". We will be walking in honor of Waylon on Saturday May 7, 2011 starting at 10:00 am, registration however begins at 9:00 am. The walk is held at the Layton Commons Park, 437 North Wasatch Drive, Layton, UT 84041. There is a map link on the site. So....this walk is free, however I set a goal for my team to try and raise $100.00. I figure if I can find 10 people to walk with me and each of them donated $10.00 then we would reach our goal!! I know this is a lot to ask, and you don't have to do it if you don't want to. I know that times are tight right now, and every little bit counts. I would still love to have you walk with me, even if you can't donate a penny. I am in the process of getting matching T-shirts for everyone, so if you're planning on doing this with me, let me know so I can get you a T-shirt, if you want one. There are 2 options. The first is just a plain black one with the March of Dimes logo and says Family Team, they are $6.50-$9.00 each depending on size needed and quantity ordered.....or we could go with a more personalized option of having shirts designed, but they would run about $15.00 each. I am leaning toward the cheaper option. I know this is kind of short notice, but the shirts can take a bit of time to come in, so I need you to let me know before this Saturday, April 16, 2011. That's when I will be placing the order. All the information for the walk and more about what March of Dimes does can be found at my team page TEAM WAYLON. Please, if you want to do this with me, go to my team page and click on "join this team". There are other options too, if you can't make it to the walk, but still want to support Team Waylon and the March of Dimes, then you are more than welcome to donate. Every penny makes a difference. Even if you can't donate yourself, you can give the website information to anyone whom you think would want to and they can then donate. There is also a button on my sidebar that will allow you to go directly to the team page and/or donate. Please don't feel obligated though, I NEVER want our family to feel obligated. This is just a cause that speaks dearly to my heart. I unfortuantely have learned that there are so many different things that can threaten the lives of babies. This organization is trying to make a difference by doing research to prevent these things and helping families with sick babies. I have wondered for almost 10 months now.....why? Why could no one see that there was a problem with Waylon's umbilical cord. What if there was a way to start seeing problems like these on ultrasound or something? Could that have saved his life? I will always wish that something could have been done. Although I will never get him back, maybe by doing my little part in helping the March of Dimes they can eventually come up with a way to save babies with those kind of problems, and sooooo many others. It really is a miracle when a baby is born healthy, considering everything that can go wrong. Wow, I sound like a spokesperson, don't I? This will be a fun family event to do together. I hope you will join me. Chris and I love each and every one of you. We look forward to seeing you soon. xoxo

VALENTINE'S DAY 2011

Well I am still plugging away at getting caught up. I am dedicating all of today to blogging and getting my thoughts and ideas recorded. So bear with me as I try and catch up. This year for Valentine's Day we decided to change our annual trip a little bit. See, it all began in 2008 when Chris and I went to Bear Lake for Valentine's Day. We went out to dinner on the 14th and then for a hike up to our peak that overlooks all of Bear Lake on the 15th. Chris decided to be clever and try and throw me for a loop. He didn't want to do things on the 14th because it was too traditional. He decided that proposing at the top of the peak the next day would be better......he was right. I will never ever forget that day, I was so incredibly happy. We were then married on the bech of Bear Lake in August of 2008. Ok, now that I've gotten everyone up to speed, we have gone back to Bear Lake every year since then for Valentine's day. This year we decided instead of staying up there for a couple of days, that we would rather go and visit Waylon's rock. So we borrowed a snow mobile from a friend of ours and rode it all the way to camp. Much easier than snow shoeing I must say......however that was fun too. When we got to camp the snow was soooo high and it was really cold. We had to dig out his rock again, but the snow wasn't quite as bad as Christmas Eve. We made him a Valentine, read it to him and placed it by his rock. We didn't get to stay for very long, as we had to make it back down the mountain before it got dark. We went out to eat for our Valentine's Day dinner at the Ranch Hand. What a great day!! Thank you to my handsome man for making it possible. Happy Valentine's Day little man. Mommy and Daddy love you Waylon, we miss you so much!! xoxo 

CHRISTMAS EVE 2010

Here I am backtracking some more. I should have done these posts as they occurred, but I just wasn't in the right state of mind at the time. This last Christmas was a hard one, it was originally supposed to be our first Christmas with Waylon, our first Christmas as a little family of 3 (humans that is), but all of that was ripped away from us in June. Back in 2009, the Christmas that I was pregnant with Waylon, all I could think of was how much the next year would be different, how we would be buying all sorts of things to go under the tree for our little one. Never in a million years would I have thought that anything would go wrong and he wouldn't be here with us. Never did I think that we would be visiting his rock instead of teaching him how to open a present. Well, the unthinkable actually happened. We decided that we would spend this Christmas reflecting and being grateful for the many blessings and trials we received over the year instead of presents. I was going to try and organize a charity donation of some kind, but I just couldn't muster up the strength mentally or physically to do it. We decided that just being together was enough for us. Since Waylon couldn't be here with us, we decided to go to his rock and take him a few things. We knew that when we spread his ashes at camp we would have a hard time getting to his spot during the winter months, which has proved to be one one of the hardest things for us. We were determined to get there any way we could, so we drove the 4-wheelers as far as we could get on the dirt road, then got off and snow shoed the rest of the way up the mountain. I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time, so it was a bit challenging for me, but I didn't give up. Ren, Julieanne, my momma, Chris, me and the mutts Wyatt, Morgan and Doc Holliday all made the trek. Bruce and Carol came with us too. I am so grateful to our wonderful family for coming with us to do this. I can't thank them enough for their love and support. It was such a cold day and the fog was really thick. The mutts had frost on their wiskers, and the boys had icicles forming on their beards, even Julieanne's and my braids were frosted, but we made it all the way up to his rock. We went right to it. The snow was so deep that we couldn't even see where anything was, we were on top of most of the vegetation and somehow we still knew exactly where his rock was. We had to dig it out once we got there. Some of our family members had written Waylon a letter, some made a card, and we made sure to take our little boy a John Deere tractor toy to play with. This was not the way I had planned on spending this Christmas with him, but I was so glad that we were able to at least do what we did. This will forever be a tradition for us for years to come. Oh how I miss my little boy. Merry Christmas Waylon, we love you so much. xoxo

2010 SHARE WALK TO REMEMBER

Ok, so I have been backtracking a bit lately. I have wanted to get caught up on all the topics I had saved up for this blog for quite some time now. Eventually, I WILL be caught up. So this is a look back at the 2010 SHARE Walk to Remember. It was on October 9, 2010 just over 3 months after we lost Waylon. I knew it was something I wanted to attend, even though I knew there would probably be babies there, and at the time that was something that was sooooo incredibly hard for me. I knew it would be a hard day, but SHARE had done so much to help and support me not only in the hospital, but through group meetings, on facebook, etc. I wanted to be there to honor Waylon and walk for him. My momma, Carol, Julieanne and I all went together. I can't thank them enough for being there for me that day, it made it a lot better knowing that I wasn't alone. Chris was at camp for the hunt at the time, so he couldn't be there. It was amazing to see how many people showed up. We all wore matching t-shirts and sweatshirts with all the babies names on the back and everyone received a ballon in either blue, pink or white. We were able to write a message to our little ones that attached to our balloons. Just the sight of all the balloons was unbelieveable, and this was only a fraction of the state, just 3 counties I think. There were so many grieving families all brought together that day. Some whose loss(es) have been years ago and some as new as me. We took a walk around the park, walking for the steps our babies will never take. Then as the names were read aloud we released our balloons into the sky. For a moment the sky was filled with balloons, sooooo many balloons. When it was our turn to release, all of Waylon's balloons stayed right together until I couldn't see them anymore. It was incredible that they didn't drift apart. There was a short program involved and refreshments. Kevin Burdick was a guest speaker. For those who don't know his name, he is a recording artist. His daughter Dempsey Burdick passed away at just 31 days old due to a congenital heart defect. He now has founded the Dempsey Burdick Memorial Foundation, found here, it is a foundation that provides headstones to grieving families who have lost children. It is such a great cause, they are doing so many things to help people. Their site is worth checking out and donating to if you so choose. All in all it was a great day, one I will never forget and an event I will always go to in the years to come. Thank you SHARE for everything!! These are some of the pictures from that day. We love you Waylon and we miss you every day!! xoxo 

THE CHURCH OF THE HOLY INNOCENTS

Right after Waylon died, we received his "Certificate of Stillbirth" and I remember thinking....wow I never expected to see one of these in my lifetime. I never even knew they existed prior to Waylon. I was heartbroken just thinking how one little sheet of paper could bring even more devastation, but it did. I knew right then that I had to do more, I had to put Waylon's name out there in every way I could possibly think to do. His existence meant more to our family than just a measely sheet of paper. So I looked and found this idea on another blog, I don't remember which one now, I should have wrote it down but it was, www.innocents.com/shrine.asp a link to The Chruch Of The Holy Innocents. Basically, this church has a shrine that is dedicated to babies who died before they were born. (miscarriages and stillbirth) They inscribe the babies names into a "Book of Life" that rests between 2 statues inside the church. I loved that Waylon's name could reach all the way to New York and that people there who didn't even know him or us would know that he existed in this world. I am bound and determined to help his legacy live on, and this was one way to contribute to that. I received an email from the Shrine Director after I sent my request, this is what he sent me:                                                                                                                                                       Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for visiting our shrine to the unborn. I feel greatly sorry
for your loss and pray that the good Lord gives you more courage and
strength. You have someone close with God who prays for you, and an
angel who watches over you. I have enshrined your child's name in the
Book of Life. I am the pastor at Holy Innocents and I consider it a
privilege to take care of the Shrine ministry, which is very close to
my heart. Please give me your suggestions to improve this all
important ministry. May the good Lord bless you with peace and health.
If I can be of any other assistance, please don’t hesitate to let me
know.
With every good wish for God’s Blessings on you and your loved ones.
In Christ the Lord,
Fr. Thomas Kallumady                                          Sorry about the format on this, my stupid missing enter key is driving me bonkers!! I loved receiving this from the Pastor. What a sweet and loving person he must be. He also sent me the certificate that's shown in this post. If any of you are interested in having your babies names added to the shrine, or know someone who has lost a child(ren) I have the link also listed on my sidebar. It can be extremely comforting to see your child's name, not only on a certificate, but in many other ways. I hope this can help someone else as it did me.  xoxo

JEWELRY BY "MY MOM"

I have been trying to get caught up on thanking people for all the wonderful things they did for us after we lost Waylon. My mom is one of those I have thanked a thousand times, but I think the piece of jewelry she made me needs its own special thank you. A little history on my mom's jewelry: she has been making her nifty creations for about 5 or so years now and for the last year and a half she has had her things featured in a local "home crafts" store, a horse tack and apparel shop and she has sold various pieces here and there. She is so darn creative when it comes to new ideas and the jewelry she makes is AMAZING!! This is the bracelet she made for me. I wear it all the time and I love and cherish it not only because my Mom made it, but because every time I look at it on my wrist it reminds me of my little man. I love the design that she came up with for it. So....thank you Momma, I love love love this gift. You are such a sweet lady and I couldn't ask for a better friend. I love you. xoxo     P.S.  If any of you BLM's out there are looking for customized jewelry similar to this piece or pretty much any kind of jewelry please leave me a comment with your information and I will get you linked up to my Momma. She does amazing work. She doesn't have a website or blog yet, as she only does jewelry making part-time, but she is working on an etsy shop, so I will eventually post a link.

BELATED THANK YOUS

I have been meaning to write a post on some of the thoughtful and generous things that people did for our family both in remembrance and honor of Waylon after they learned of what happened last June. I am always so speechless when it comes to kind gestures like these, always thinking in my head and heart that words just can't describe the gratefulness I feel towards peoples acts of kindness. Sometimes a pure and simple "Thank You" just doesn't do it, but I want everyone to know how much it means to us to see the things that people gave and remember our son. These pictures are of 3 trees that were given to us to plant in our yard. The represent a living thing that we can sit under, climb and stare at for years to come. The first are two Fruitless Mulberry trees given to us by Gerri, Lynn and Kevin. These wonderful people are good friends of ours. They own and manage the barn in which we boarded our horses. They all have such warm and loving hearts. Thank you so much for these beautiful trees, they are planted in our backyard. The gate that runs into our pasture now sits directly in between the trees. I just love the GIANT leaves they get. The last picture is of a Black Hills Spruce given to us by Zach,Tatiana and their two girls. Zach is my husband's uncle. Their family has been so sweet and supportive through everything. Thank you so much for this wonderful gift. We have such an amazing family. We love them all so very much. xoxo 

WAYLON'S NAME IN CRAYON

I received an email a while back that had this picture as an attachment. Jamie S saw this hanging on the wall in a school. Waylon's name is fairly uncommon, but there it was. So she sent it on to me. Jamie, I can't thank you enough for remembering my sweet little boy and taking a picture of his name for me. I still can't explain what it is about seeing his name written in several different ways, but it just brings a smile to my face. I guess it is just the thought of knowing that everytime someone speaks, writes or takes a picture of his name that he is being remembered. I absolutely LOVE this!! Thank you Jamie so very much. We love you!! 

REFLECTIONS

Over the past 6 or so months I have been holding back on writing, for various reasons. It hasn't been that I don't want to talk about things or write what I'm feeling, it's just been a time in my grieving process that I needed to "check out", so to speak. A time when I needed to just stare at the wall, or the TV or whatever didn't take much effort to do. After Waylon left this earth, in the months soon after I found myself using writing as an outlet, which was very comforting. Then in about September I lost all focus and began to retreat. I began to turn inward and stay away from everyone and everything. I think at the time I thought that if I was still grieving and unable to put a "real" smile on my face that I should just keep to myself, in order to spare everyone from having to be drug down with me. No one wants to be the "Debbie Downer" of any group. I read a lot about grief over this period of several months and determined that what I was going through was not only very normal, it was something that would eventually pass. During this time I felt so numb, so detached from everything, so depressed. I never got ready for the day, I just found it easier to stay in pajamas. I struggled to get through my everyday chores and be a productive person. I was anything but that. In November we found out that we were expecting another baby, and after my initial delight and happiness the worry and anxiety began to take over my every thought. I was very sick for the entire first trimester, which in turn just added to my misery and depression. I felt an array of emotions and questions run through me. I am still grieving the loss of Waylon, yet I have a new little life growing and depending on me for everything. Who was this new little person going to be? Would we make it far enough to know? Why won't my mind let me feel excited? Is it because this life will end too? Will people think that we are replacing Waylon? How will I ever go on if we were to lose this baby too? Are people getting tired of our grief? How will I make it through 40 more weeks of fearing the worst? Will people continue to remember Waylon? All of these things are a mere few of the racing thoughts that have taken over my mind. Some of them have been answered the more time has passed. I finally broke through the barrier that was holding me prisoner the day I felt our new baby move. It was such a bittersweet moment, that reminded me of the life that I had no longer feel move just months before and the new life growing inside that I was so grateful for. I was 16 weeks when I felt just a slight flutter while sitting by the fireplace on a cold night. I had anticipated that moment for a long time. I worried that it may bring even more anxiety because I knew that there would be no pattern to movement yet and it would be so sparatic that I would worry in between that something could be wrong. My anticipation of this milestone was right to some degree, I still worry, I still have anxiety when I haven't felt movement for a while.....but the pure joy of knowing that my baby was moving and ok at that very second was, for me, life changing. It seemed to pull me out of whatever dark hole I was living in. I began to see a small light at the end of a tunnel, I began to allow myself to start to feel excited for this little person to come into our lives. Over the past 6-7 weeks I have felt myself SLOWLY getting back to wanting to get out of bed in the morning, wanting to get dressed for the day, wanting to cook and clean and go out amongst the world again. It was as if I finally allowed a true sense of hope to embrace me. Then when we found out we were expecting a little girl, I felt happy, I felt a reason to trust that everything was going to be ok. Now, don't get me wrong....I am still a basket case, but I am finally at a place in my grief to allow God to do his work and trust that He knows what is best for us. I learned after losing Waylon that I DON'T have control over some things in this life, and I try to remember that every day. I am putting all my faith in God and trusting that He will bless us with what he feels is right for us. I am trying to never lose sight of that little light at the end of this long, long, long tunnel. I am still taking things day by day, and I'm sure I always will. My journey through grief will be a lifelong path and I am beginning to accept that. There have been so many things over the past 9 months that kind people have done, events that I have attended in honor of Waylon, poetry that I have written. I will eventually post all of these things on here, I feel it is important for other grieving families to see that there are resourses and people out there who care. Even complete strangers. So I ask that you please bear with me if you are one of the people that I have not aknowledged yet, my computer no longer has an enter key, so I have a hard time adding pictures and just writing in general. This post is a perfect example, there are no breaks in the writing, it's all written together, because I can't hit enter. I never knew how much I used that key until I couldn't anymore. I just want to quickly say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I hope that my words can speak deeply to you, and you will always have hope in your darkest of times.

9 MONTHS

Today marks the day Waylon would have been 9 months old. Wow, how time goes by......and yet it feels like just yesterday I was dreaming about all the things we would do together as he grew up. Goodness I miss him. I miss his feet and elbows going across my belly, back and forth. I miss his feet sticking out and forming a lump on my side. I miss his cravings for Chinese food and Ramen noodles, it seemed he LOVED salt. I miss the joy and bliss of thinking nothing could ever go wrong with my healthy pregnancy, boy was I wrong. I miss everything about the 37 weeks I spent with my son. To think that he was with me for 9 months and has now been gone for the same just breaks my heart all over again. Time goes so quickly. I sit here wondering what milestones he would be accomplishing at this age? Would he be walking yet? What foods would he love? Which would be his favorite toy? I will never know these things and I can imagine I will long to know for as long as I remain on this earth. Though as I continue to work through my grief I learn new things every day. I have learned that this life does go on after tragedy, that I will evenually "accept" what has happened and learn to love my "new" life. I am forever changed, I will never be the person I once was.....but I am slowly adapting to that and realizing that I have no other choice but to be this new person. I have learned that there are blessings in even the most tragic of times, and I intend to embrace and cherish that fact. As I wait for the rainbow after the storm, I will continue to pray every day that I will be blessed in a different way this time. I still have a LONG journey ahead in my current pregnancy, 16 weeks and 3 days to be exact. So as today is a bit hard to endure, I remain hopeful and greatful for what's to come. I remain hopeful that little Madison Stagge will make it here safely. We love you Waylon, and we miss you every day. Happy 9 months baby!!